I recognize that poison ivy is an OK plant. It has a right to exist, to grow, to mature and realize its full potential, even live in my backyard. I also know if I have contact with it, my skin will break out in a virulent, burning, itchy rash.

It is not the poison ivy’s fault that I erupt with a rash. It is my problem. Poison ivy is toxic to me, but I suffer a painful rash only if I have contact with it. No contact, no rash.

Sharing this world are people who are, at times, toxic. Toxic people are those people with whom contact results in a psychological rash. They are often very appealing, charming, highly inventive or compellingly persuasive. If we have a lot of contact with them, they will dominate our lives, and we become absorbed in our own itchy suffering.

The clearest example of a toxic person is the alcohol abuser. He or she is usually surrounded by people all tiptoeing around, adjusting their lives and making excuses, pretending that the person’s toxic, drug-affected behavior is normal. In reacting or adjusting to the drug abuser’s behavior, we break out in a terrible mental and emotional rash.

There are other, more subtle toxic people. For example, the passively demanding Presumer. He is the kind who expects to be waited on, to be coddled, to be adjusted to regardless of the circumstances. He makes reservations at an expensive restaurant as a surprise, then expects you to pay the bill. Presumers make arrangements and if you do not conform to them, you are treated as “the bad guy.” The resulting itchy guilt or sense of defeat you feel, is painful.

The Sufferer

Then there is the toxic Sufferer. She tells you about all kinds of mysterious ailments that require care and attention whenever you are busy not attending to her. The Sufferer will be too upset, too “headachy,” suffer fatigue or chest pains, right after she has vented huge amounts of verbal abuse on those around her. Contact with her results in passive compliance because “we don’t want to give Mommy a heart attack now do we.” And we break out in quiet resentment and rage, a very burning psychological rash.

Another toxic person is the Triangulator. He thrives off other people’s energy. He sets up others against one another so they will fight and he can safely maintain his power at the center of the storm. “You know what your sister said about you?” “So-and-so was telling me you did such-and such.” These are common phrases of the Triangulator. He plays the psychological game of “Let’s You And Him Fight.” The resulting battle between others keeps him safe in the eye of the hurricane while others break out in an emotional storm.

There are many other types of toxic people. The Blamer blames everyone else for her actions or choices. The Controller has to control everything and everyone around him. The jealous Criticizer feels so inferior that she criticizes everyone else to feel better about herself. The Chaos-Creator is the one who never corrects the mess he makes. The Provocateur invites others to feel guilty or obligated in some way.

Avoiding contact

I recognize people who are toxic are OK persons. They have a right to exist, to grow, mature into their full potential. They have a right to live their lives, even in my own psychological backyard.

Become aware that when you have contact with toxic people, you are very likely to develop a mental, emotional, even a physical, painfully itchy rash. That is not the toxic person’s problem. Your rash is your problem. If you want to avoid breaking out, avoid contact. No contact with toxic people. No reactive rash.

Give yourself permission to break contact with toxic people. Avoiding contact with people whose behavior is toxic to you is, after all, a very self-caring, if not self-preserving action.